In the Interest of Transparency...

After one too many awkward questions, I have devised a grand master plan to ensure smooth relationship sailing forever more. I call it "Things you should probably know before you commit to knowing me"...

"To Whom it May Concern:

I like Anderson Cooper just a little too much. And yes, to the chagrin of my mother, I do have a few (tasteful, easily concealable) tattoos. I drink a lot of coffee and no, it's not always fair trade. Sometimes it's even from Starbucks. And sure, maybe I watched Days of Our Lives, but it was only for a few weeks(months)- and didn't you want to know who had Sami's baby? Plus, I didn't drink bourbon whilst watching most(some) of the episodes, so they don't even count. I may or may not be a little obsessed with hand sanitizer, and I sometimes sneeze at inappropriate times for longer than is humanly possible.

I tend to get body parts stuck on or in immovable objects, and I often unintentionally say really idiotic and embarassing things in front of waitstaff in restaurants. I hate sharing my bed, and would more often than not prefer the company of goats over humans. I listen to Journey on an appallingly regular basis, I know every word to every Celine Dion song, and I saw Titanic 14 times in the theater. I also rely on special drops to make my crap not stink.

When I find a song/tv show/person that I enjoy, I will listen to it on repeat until I am bored - which takes awhile. I do not want to talk about "feelings", I don't like baby animals, and the sound of small children laughing makes my ears ring in a disntinctly uncomfortable manner. I am suspicious, fickle, and inherantly edgy. Also, I really hate the Pittsburgh steelers.

I like Marie Osmond, but I think her doll collection is really creepy. Sometimes, I pretend to be talking on my cell phone so I don't have to acknowledge someone speaking to me. I change my sheets more often than I should, and I am very much addicted to Coke Zero. I watch a lot of reality television, I'm allergic to nickel, and I'd really rather you didn't hug me. Ever.

If you have any remaining questions, please submit an information request in writing five (5) days in advance of anticipated answer date.

Thanks!
-M"

I think this eloquent missive has great potential to eliminate the need for awkward discussion anytime in the near future, don't you?

I'm so proud.