Box Stores, Dinosaurs, & Jillian Michaels

I have a crush on walmart. I used to feel a moderate level of shame about this; what with my semi-hippy(ish) leanings towards supporting local economies & avoiding making purchases from "the man"...But I can deny it no longer: I love me some big box stores.

I cannot seem to pinpoint what inspires the almost chemical high that fogs my brain upon entering this Valhalla; yet like an excellent bourbon, the experience is always reliably the same.

It's that fight or flight thing I think - my body knowing that, despite much learning to the contrary, walmart really is the best place to be in the apocalypse. Food, shelter, a change of clothes, air freshener, tweezers, and a place to charge my iPhone - All I need in the world. And much to my slight embarrassment, I really do spend a lot of time worrying about the end of the world. I'm sure it relates to some deep childhood trauma, but nonetheless. Walmart is better than Prozac for chilling this neurotic, anxiety ridden type-A creature.

And so it has gone, for many years...When life sucks, head to Walmart. A sure-fire path towards satisfaction and/or a new pair of socks. Until yesterday.

I ventured in to my friendly neighbourhood wally world (well, it wasn't really friendly. And it wasn't my neighbourhood.) and immediately felt my eyes go slightly and joyously out of focus. Like a rat to a sewer, I had once again found my safe place.

I began to wander aimlessly; first the refreshing freezer aisles, then the bounty of the sock section, onwards to the nirvana of electronics, and on and on it went, my mind emptying and my walmart meditation deepening. (If I ever discovered the key to world peace, I'm sure it'd be in the shampoo aisle.)

I continued in my trance, happy as a pig in mud. I somewhat coherently decided to wander towards the pharmacy - surely the prospect of anti-bacterial something or other would calm the last stray thoughts in my mind. I sniffed at the soaps, poked at the hair brushes, and then spotted it, my ultimate joy: the shrine to hand sanitizer. I picked up my pace, within reach of the sweet success of procuring yet another bottle of alcohol-based joy...and that's where it all went wrong.

I was trapped. My sedated brain could not comprehend what had happened. I tried to step forward. I tried a fancy little side step. Nothing. Finally, a little more alert (and aware that I had a growing audience) I peered behind me to see what had dared to impede upon my sanitizing satisfaction and was met by two unblinking jade eyes staring back at me. Quelling the panic at someone standing so! close! to me! I wriggled back a little farther and discovered the culprit: Jillian Michaels. Yes, that Jillian Michaels, of Biggest Loser fame. I had managed, in my altered state, to firmly and irrevocably attach the plus-sized ass of my pants to a life-size cardboard cutout of the fitness goddess herself.

At this point, as I'm sure you can imagine, there were a fair number of folks who had snapped themselves out of their walmart wonder to stare at my compromising position. And, can I just take a moment to recommend that, should one ever get oneself stuck to a cardboard cutout, do not choose Jillian Michaels. Your ass will resemble a small triceratops. Or one of those turkeys you make in preschool.

I wiggled. I squished. I jumped, I pried, I yanked, I swiveled. Yet here I remained, firmly placed, for all to see. "I'm ok, no really. It's all good. I'm just having a little rest. Yep, just hanging out. Isn't Jillian great? Have you tried her supplements?"

I was running out of ideas. In fact, I was in a serious mental debate about whether abandoning my pants was a viable option. But oh, there was a better one. Kandie, your walmart supervisor, came to my rescue with a large pair of scissors. Finally, after way too much touching and far more intimacy than I'd ever wanted with anyone at all (let alone in Walmart), I had my freedom and Jillian had one less finger.

Walking out of the store shielding one dinosaur-sized butt cheek from the wind, I knew it'd never be the same.