F+

There is always a lesson in a failure, they say. I'm not entirely sure who "they" are, and I'm beginning to think they are the same untrustworthy bastards who are judging short-track figure skating in the olympics....Nonetheless.

You've heard all the cliches; a door closes, a window opens...Opportunity knocks...Ask, Believe, Receive... I'm sure there are a zillion others that I have no desire to ever know. But when you take a moment and further scrutinize these sweet placations we all tell each other, things start to fall apart.

First of all, A window opening? I don't know about y'all, but my first thought is to jump out. Yes, I know I'm probably more deranged than your average bear, but tell me you didn't think it too. Also, when was the last time anything good came in your window? And don't give me that 'sunshine-rainbows-nature sounds' business... We're talking cat burglers, foul odors, and sometimes unwanted winged animals (birds, bees, the occasional bat). And, unless I'm being pursued by dark forces, I see no good in the 'doors closing' bit either. (But maybe I've had to slither in a cat door one too many times after locking myself out; a fate, let me tell you, that would make anyone nervous.)

As for the knocking of opportunity, well, I'll be honest; that just makes me think of pedophiles. I'm not sure about that whole "help me find my lost puppy" ruse, but somehow I don't think it leads to a plush corner office or stuffed expense account. The only other folks who knock on my door are the Jehovah's witnesses, and any opportunity they're selling is abruptly revoked when I gleefully tell them I'm an animal-sacrifcing binge-drinking homosexual witch.

But really, I've saved the best for last... "Ask, Believe, Receive"? Seriously? Isn't that the scientific formula for Santa Claus? It's just about the biggest load of bullshit I've heard since "Weapons of Mass Destruction in Iraq". I mean, if that crap worked, I'd have a pony and we'd have found Saddam perched on a pile of nukes wearing a GPS ankle bracelet. And let's be honest, if willing things into reality worked, GW Bush would have probably fared a lot better. I don't really want to speculate about exactly what he'd manifest, given half a chance...But it's probably fair to assume tofu and gay sex would be things of the past.

Now, I'm not saying that every failure is a bad thing - Let's face it, it was probably for the best when the 24-hr wedding chapel in vegas was mysteriously closed for maintenance that night you were going to marry the hunky russian "elvis" named Svetlana. And, sure, maybe the universe worked on your behalf last week when you stopped to surreptisiously adjust your underpants on a street corner and missed getting obliterated by a speeding bus. But, in general, I think the "silver lining" concept of failure is about as trustworthy as a girls gone wild producer on spring break.

Perhaps I'm too jaded, maybe pessimism has gotten the best of me over the years, possibly I'm just a really sore loser. Probably I just listened a little too intently to the "good touch, bad touch" lecture in 4th grade. Whatever the case, I'll stick with success, thanks.

FML: The Laundry Edition

I found this ad whilst somewhat dejectedly trolling craigslist for job opportunities (and casual sex, but that's another post...)

Personal Laundry
"Environmentally responsible person to take in my laundry in a non allergenic and fragrance free home. 1.888.xxx.xxxx"

First of all, this exciting opportunity was featured in the "et cetera" category. Call me disillusioned, but I had higher, more glamorous hopes for "et cetera". Perhaps little-known filmmakers conducting a grassroots star search for their soon-too-be-Oscar-nominated flick? Possibly an international corporation offering to pay someone exorbitant amounts of money to complete top-secret yet menial tasks for A-listers? Maybe even some hush-hush high-end brothel surreptitiously seeking "new talent". But laundry? Personal laundry? Your boxer shorts on the day you didn't wipe quite well enough laundry? Not my idea of "et cetera".

Secondly, what's up with the environmentally responsible part? Does this mean the person lovingly washing your socks needs to smell like patchouli and wear birkenstocks? Or maybe you're hoping for someone to do your laundry by hand? (perhaps whilst minding their peacefully grazing goats and singing alpine-inspired show tunes?) I suppose you could work for the Tide Cold Water people and just can't bear the thought of your 10yr old khakis facing anything but the gentlest of cold cycles? Who knows.

Also, I'm confused about this whole "taking in my laundry" bit. Taking in? Is your laundry homeless? Does it need 3 solid squares and an income assistance referral? ('cause I'm pro at that shit.) Is your laundry misguided in its choice of a sinful lifestyle and requiring intense christian conversion training? (my skills in that area are a bit rusty, I must admit.) Perhaps your jockeys have taken to watching Paris Hilton sex tapes and pounding back the Maker's Mark til all hours of the night and just need a little lovin'?

As for non-allergenic and fragrance free...Does this mean I should not let my cat lick your trousers clean? 'Cause, I mean, you can't get much more environmentally friendly than that.

And, I gotta say, I bit befuddled (and more than a little alarmed) by your 1-888 number. Would this be a clandestine assignment? A passing off of the soiled unmentionables in a dark alley followed by a whispered exchange and a wad off cash? Would I need to sign a confidentially agreement and not discuss the vast amounts of cocaine discovered in the pockets of your designer jackets?

Or perhaps this is all an elaborate way to pick up chicks? Witty love notes tucked in shirt-sleeves...naughty photos pinned to dryer sheets...tell-tale stains in undergarments declaring a distant-but-passionate love for your laundry mistress? (Ok, I creeped myself out on that one. sorry, kids.)

I must admit, Mr. Laundry Man, I am thoroughly intrigued by your dirty clothes woes. But, while I'm fascinated by your specific and seemingly socially-conscious (if a bit sketchy) attempt at cleanliness and economic growth, I don't think I'll be tending to your spin cycle any time soon. Good luck, Laundry Man. Wishing you a lifetime of clean knickers.