F+

There is always a lesson in a failure, they say. I'm not entirely sure who "they" are, and I'm beginning to think they are the same untrustworthy bastards who are judging short-track figure skating in the olympics....Nonetheless.

You've heard all the cliches; a door closes, a window opens...Opportunity knocks...Ask, Believe, Receive... I'm sure there are a zillion others that I have no desire to ever know. But when you take a moment and further scrutinize these sweet placations we all tell each other, things start to fall apart.

First of all, A window opening? I don't know about y'all, but my first thought is to jump out. Yes, I know I'm probably more deranged than your average bear, but tell me you didn't think it too. Also, when was the last time anything good came in your window? And don't give me that 'sunshine-rainbows-nature sounds' business... We're talking cat burglers, foul odors, and sometimes unwanted winged animals (birds, bees, the occasional bat). And, unless I'm being pursued by dark forces, I see no good in the 'doors closing' bit either. (But maybe I've had to slither in a cat door one too many times after locking myself out; a fate, let me tell you, that would make anyone nervous.)

As for the knocking of opportunity, well, I'll be honest; that just makes me think of pedophiles. I'm not sure about that whole "help me find my lost puppy" ruse, but somehow I don't think it leads to a plush corner office or stuffed expense account. The only other folks who knock on my door are the Jehovah's witnesses, and any opportunity they're selling is abruptly revoked when I gleefully tell them I'm an animal-sacrifcing binge-drinking homosexual witch.

But really, I've saved the best for last... "Ask, Believe, Receive"? Seriously? Isn't that the scientific formula for Santa Claus? It's just about the biggest load of bullshit I've heard since "Weapons of Mass Destruction in Iraq". I mean, if that crap worked, I'd have a pony and we'd have found Saddam perched on a pile of nukes wearing a GPS ankle bracelet. And let's be honest, if willing things into reality worked, GW Bush would have probably fared a lot better. I don't really want to speculate about exactly what he'd manifest, given half a chance...But it's probably fair to assume tofu and gay sex would be things of the past.

Now, I'm not saying that every failure is a bad thing - Let's face it, it was probably for the best when the 24-hr wedding chapel in vegas was mysteriously closed for maintenance that night you were going to marry the hunky russian "elvis" named Svetlana. And, sure, maybe the universe worked on your behalf last week when you stopped to surreptisiously adjust your underpants on a street corner and missed getting obliterated by a speeding bus. But, in general, I think the "silver lining" concept of failure is about as trustworthy as a girls gone wild producer on spring break.

Perhaps I'm too jaded, maybe pessimism has gotten the best of me over the years, possibly I'm just a really sore loser. Probably I just listened a little too intently to the "good touch, bad touch" lecture in 4th grade. Whatever the case, I'll stick with success, thanks.