Rules of Engagement

I am a competent human being. I can bake. I can change a flat. I can bench press my body weight (which means, probably, I could bench press a mid-size baby rhinocerous). I can knit, I can tie an anchor hitch, and I can play the bassoon. I can recite all of the prepositions in the English language - in alphabetical order. I can even give you the heimlich if you choke on a friggen wasabi pea. Also, I can break a large pane of commercial glass with my elbow...but that's another story... Listen, what I'm saying is, I'm doin' alright. I have the skills that are necessary to navigate the world in a somewhat competent and civilized manner. Sometimes, I'm even downright clever.

And yes, internet, you truth-sucking and fickle mistress, of course there is more to this story. Despite my aforementioned craftiness and competencies, despite my general affection for humanity (well, that might just be a lie), I am still left short in my overall well-roudedness...

I cannot cope with human relationships. I am a fretful, neurotic, social disaster. I find the majority of folks puzzling, emotional, and downright terrifying. Someone once told me I was one of the least demonstrative people they had ever met. I still think it was pretty much the best compliment ever.

First of all, I am not a hugger. I find this practice to be unecessary, if not downright awkward and revolting. Why, pray tell, should I be expected to willingly and delightedly press the entire front of my body to yours and allow you to encircle me with your arms, thus eliminating any and all feasible escape routes? And those one-armed approximations of hugs are no less mysterious to me; an arm slung across the shoulders, heads randomly shifted close together to indicate a moderate level of fondness...What the hell is that about? Is this the more polite WASPy version of full-frontal action? A "second-base" between handshake and bear hug? I simply cannot understand what part of any of these hugging processes is reasonable, let alone enjoyable.

Secondly, what is up with all the casual touching in public places? If you are trying to walk past me from behind, there is no need to put your unknown stranger hands on my lower back as you move by; believe it or not, the phrase "pardon me" was invented for this exact situation! And speaking of appripriate usage of the phrase, if I'm forced to speak to you and you cannot hear me, please, for the love of everything good and holy, do not put your hand on my shoulder and stick your ear in front of my mouth. Sure, it's probably abundantly clear that I don't really want to be talking to you in the first place, but I'd rather be subjected to your voice than your icky roaming paws. Seriously.

Both the hugging and the casual touching stem from the same issue of what I like to refer to as "space invaders" (and not the ca. 1978 variety). If you are close enough to spontaneously hug and/or touch me, you are appoximately three feet too far inside my comfort zone. If I am standing in line somewhere, going about my business in some innocuous fashion, I do not need to feel you gordforsaken breath on the back of my neck. I am not interested in you reading my tattoos, remarking on the bizarre color of my eyes, noting that I am in fact going very prematurely grey, and/or looking down my shirt. Back the fuck off, people.

I realize this may come across as cold, but I'm actually fairly friendly. I only occasionaly retaliate to unwanted touching with anthrax, and I probably won't actually poke you in the eyeball with a fork if you sneak up on me. I'm a pretty good conversationalist, and am even sometimes genuinely interested in hearing what you have to say. I don't even mind listening if you feel the need to tell me about your brother's wife's friend's STD... Just stay back three meters, keep your grubby hands to yourself, and don't freakin' stare at me while your doing it, ok?