FML: The Laundry Edition

I found this ad whilst somewhat dejectedly trolling craigslist for job opportunities (and casual sex, but that's another post...)

Personal Laundry
"Environmentally responsible person to take in my laundry in a non allergenic and fragrance free home. 1.888.xxx.xxxx"

First of all, this exciting opportunity was featured in the "et cetera" category. Call me disillusioned, but I had higher, more glamorous hopes for "et cetera". Perhaps little-known filmmakers conducting a grassroots star search for their soon-too-be-Oscar-nominated flick? Possibly an international corporation offering to pay someone exorbitant amounts of money to complete top-secret yet menial tasks for A-listers? Maybe even some hush-hush high-end brothel surreptitiously seeking "new talent". But laundry? Personal laundry? Your boxer shorts on the day you didn't wipe quite well enough laundry? Not my idea of "et cetera".

Secondly, what's up with the environmentally responsible part? Does this mean the person lovingly washing your socks needs to smell like patchouli and wear birkenstocks? Or maybe you're hoping for someone to do your laundry by hand? (perhaps whilst minding their peacefully grazing goats and singing alpine-inspired show tunes?) I suppose you could work for the Tide Cold Water people and just can't bear the thought of your 10yr old khakis facing anything but the gentlest of cold cycles? Who knows.

Also, I'm confused about this whole "taking in my laundry" bit. Taking in? Is your laundry homeless? Does it need 3 solid squares and an income assistance referral? ('cause I'm pro at that shit.) Is your laundry misguided in its choice of a sinful lifestyle and requiring intense christian conversion training? (my skills in that area are a bit rusty, I must admit.) Perhaps your jockeys have taken to watching Paris Hilton sex tapes and pounding back the Maker's Mark til all hours of the night and just need a little lovin'?

As for non-allergenic and fragrance free...Does this mean I should not let my cat lick your trousers clean? 'Cause, I mean, you can't get much more environmentally friendly than that.

And, I gotta say, I bit befuddled (and more than a little alarmed) by your 1-888 number. Would this be a clandestine assignment? A passing off of the soiled unmentionables in a dark alley followed by a whispered exchange and a wad off cash? Would I need to sign a confidentially agreement and not discuss the vast amounts of cocaine discovered in the pockets of your designer jackets?

Or perhaps this is all an elaborate way to pick up chicks? Witty love notes tucked in shirt-sleeves...naughty photos pinned to dryer sheets...tell-tale stains in undergarments declaring a distant-but-passionate love for your laundry mistress? (Ok, I creeped myself out on that one. sorry, kids.)

I must admit, Mr. Laundry Man, I am thoroughly intrigued by your dirty clothes woes. But, while I'm fascinated by your specific and seemingly socially-conscious (if a bit sketchy) attempt at cleanliness and economic growth, I don't think I'll be tending to your spin cycle any time soon. Good luck, Laundry Man. Wishing you a lifetime of clean knickers.